A little diddy about marriage after kids

Marriage is way f*cking harder with kids.

I remember hearing an interview with Michelle Obama shortly after our first son was born. She likened becoming parents to the stress test that new cars undergo post-production. The one where they strap the car to the thing and shake it so hard that any weakness will surely show itself. A loose part will fly or a little problem will become a bigger one. Whatever it may be, that test will shine an obnoxious, bright light on anything that slipped through the cracks.

I heard this and whooped with laughter. What could be more relatable and true?

Hi to you, happy and stable couple! Here’s what we’re going to do. For the foreseeable future, you are going to collectively get 4 hours of sleep each night. You’ll both be miserable and exhausted. But no! You can’t rest. For you have a tiny, helpless being that you must care for at every moment of every day. There’s a lot of sh*t to navigate. Keeping another human alive is something neither of you have ever done before, but you’ll figure it out together, right? When you’re both miserable and exhausted? Right.

And not to mention, one of you will likely be healing from birth. And also experiencing the most drastic hormone drop that the human body is capable of. Sounding fun yet?

Hope you practiced your communication skills, because those bad boys are going to be important right now.

Oh and we’ll throw in some resentment. Because one of you will sometimes feel like you’re doing more or carrying a heavier load. All systems and processes that existed in your house before. Your schedule and flow to each day. Donezo. We’re talking new and different across the board.

And don’t forget that big fat gaping void in your time together. Forget intimacy and date night and any semblance of what things were like before, because this baby came to shake. things. up!

Also prepare to see your partner’s childhood laid out before you. Because becoming parents is a bit like taking a time machine back into your own childhood and being faced with the task to heal your inner child or at the very least, stare at it head on and be mildly freaked by it all.

It’s a wild wild period of time — those first months or even years of your child’s life. Because while feeling that stress test shake the crap out of your relationship, you’ll simultaneously feel immense connection and awe of each other. You’ll gaze down at your baby together and feel so darn proud, so hyped on this little human you made. The joy and love will be euphoric. Arguably, just what you’ll need to balance the rough side of it all.

I feel like no one talks about this part. Rarely do I meet a new parent and they say wow this is wild and I’m so in love but like I might also be facing a divorce soon. So I’ll say it out loud. I think this feeling and experience is normal. I think that like many challenging times in a relationship, new parenthood is certainly one of them. I don’t have any unsolicited advice for you. All I have is camaraderie. We’re here too and it sucks sometimes, but we’re riding the wave and finding a reason to laugh through it (usually) and that can feel really good and human.

Hang in there moms and dads.