Motherhood: A call to presence

More than anything, motherhood has been a call to presence.

I meditated before becoming a mother, but now a new form of meditation is woven into each and every day.

Like car rides. A car ride when my baby is inconsolable and my toddler is triggered by the noise. This is some high-level meditation. Some expert-level presence. To sit in the discomfort of this situation and keep calm. And operate a vehicle. It’s a feat.

Or playing trucks with my son. Zooming around and around the couch. Lips vibrating together as we make our truck sounds and inevitably work on a construction site and take coffee breaks. And sometimes I have this intense urge to escape the monotony. But mothering invites me to stay. To be nowhere but there with my child — in his imaginary world.

These motherhood meditations take many forms. Like the desire to control my baby’s schedule. Thinking ahead to each hour of the day. A friendly reminder from my husband to just be. And the glory of the second baby who rolls with it a little bit more, allowing me to sink into presence instead of planning the next thing.

The moments when I witness my children see something for the first time. The awe we all now express when a tractor blunders by. The beauty we see in a passing snail, a face-sized leaf, a tidepool ripe for discovering.

This photo was taken this weekend. Surrounded by the true beauty of this place where we live, while feeding my baby, and snuggling my toddler. I caught myself relishing in real gratitude. Pausing, yet again, for some presence.

There’s a heck of a lot to stress over, get caught up in, and overthink in this role of mother. It can be debilitating and all-consuming. But it’s juxtaposed by the most potent of meditative moments. The bedtime kiss, unprompted ‘i love you’s’, and deep inhales of new baby smell.

I’m certain that this is our medicine. These moments are meant to weave together and push us through the hard stuff. Anchor us when we get swept up in worry. I’m trying to lean into these moments more than ever these days. Putting my phone on silent, saying ‘no’ to most things, and just being with my babies. With my partner. These days won’t be this way forever.